THE ADVENTURES OF DUCK DYNASTY
by Erik Andave
Summary: Duck Dynasty and his family travel to San Francisco to take on their most dangerous mission yet.


THE CONTINUING ADVENTURES OF DUCK DYNASTY

Episode 1: Meet the Team

Deep within the confines of his West Georgian mountain fortress, Duck Dynasty sat pensively, monitoring the sorry state of American affairs on a giant wall of television monitors, and it disgusted him.

"This country's getting further and further and further and further and further and further and further and further and further away from God." Duck Dynasty muttered to himself, spitting tobacco juice and cleaning his gun. "These aren't the values I was raised with, nor are they the values I want to pass on to my lil nephews."

Fed up, Duck Dynasty rose from his leather recliner to shoot, pluck, gut, cook, and eat a duck. Duck Dynasty was a real man, and only ate that which he killed himself, like Ted Nugent. Duck Dynasty had a lot of respect for Ted Nugent. It's too bad Ted Nugent would burn in eternal hellfire for turning his back on Jesus to embrace the paganistic Spirit of the Wild.

Talking bears? How ridiculous. Everyone knows snakes are the only animals that can talk. Snakes and that one donkey that one time.

But Duck Dynasty didn't have time to shoot, pluck, gut, cook, and eat a duck, a sequence of events he undertook, in full, every time he got hungry. Oh no, not today, because in that very moment, the novelty duck shaped phone quacked.

"QUACK QUACK" quacked the novelty duck shaped phone. "QUACK QUACK" Duck Dynasty knew what that meant. Only three men had the number to the super secret novelty duck shaped phone, and they were the three most important men in the free world and on God's green earth.

Duck Dynasty picked up the phone.

"Mr. President, Mr. Pope, Mr. Pope."

"Duck Dynasty" said the President, "We're sorry to bother you, this is urgent."

"They've gone too far this time!" said the Pope

"We need your special set of skills." said the Pope.

"Who is it this time?" said Duck Dynasty "The arabs? The mexicans? The niggers?"

"It's even worse than that." said the President "It's the queers."

"I knew it." said Duck Dynasty, shaking his head sadly.

"They're fornicating in the streets in defiance of God's love!" screamed the Pope.

"Well, not yet..." said the Pope "But that will surely follow."

"As I'm sure you've heard. Neil Patrick Harris will be receiving the Queer of the Year Award from GLAAD tonight in San Francisco." said the President.

"You need me to infiltrate the GLAAD awards and blow NPH's cocksucking brains out the back of his faggot skull?" asked Duck Dynasty eagerly.

"Of course!" screamed the Pope "Bring the Lord's righteous wrath down upon the sodomite!"

"But it's not that simple," said the Pope "After Neil Patrick Harris accepts the Queer of the Year Award, they plan to end the ceremony with Miley Cyrus performing the unholy act of cunnilingus on Ellen DeGeneris"

Duck Dynasty threw up in his mouth, then swallowed it. Like a man.

"You know how serous this is," said the President "Neil Patrick Harris and Ellen have already tricked middle America into accepting homosexuality, and Miley Cyrus is a role model to the millions of young people. Girls want to be her. Boys want to violently dry hump her."

"Children all across America will think being gay is cool." said the Pope. "They'll be buttfucking and scissoring from coast to coast."

"This is the culmination of fabulous homosexual agenda." said the Pope "The fate of America and God's Kingdom on Earth rests in your hands, Duck Dynasty. You have to take them out. Take them all out."

A smile crept onto the face of Duck Dynasty beneath his thick manly beard.

"I'm sorry to put this burden on you," said the President "I wish we could just kill all those god forsaken queers with a drone strike, but you know it can't look like I sanctioned this."

"I understand, Mr. President." Duck Dynasty said.

The President was a good man. It's too bad he had to pretend to be a Kenyan Muslim because America's degenerate voting public would never elect a God-fearing Christian to high office. He reminded Duck Dynasty of some of the shoe shine boys his father had employed growing up in the Jim Crowe south. He knew his place.

"Of course the Church backs you fully." said the Pope.

"You have our blessing," said the Pope, "and God's blessing."

"I won't let you down." said Duck Dynasty, hanging up the novelty duck shaped phone.

Duck Dynasty's whole life had been building up to this. He had tried to walk a Godly path, following the Lord's will and delivering swift and divine just to those who had strayed from His righteous glory, and make duck calls. He also made duck calls.

This was big. Infiltrating the GLAAD awards in the heart of San Francisco.

"San Francisco..." Duck Dynasty whispered to himself, trying to put away the haunting memory of what had become of his brother, Buck Dynasty.

He could do it. Take out all the gays and leave the world a better place for God fearing heterosexual Christian white men everywhere, but he couldn't do it alone.

"I'll need the boys," he said to himself. "and the old man." Duck Dynasty hated to put his family in danger, but the lil nephews were young and impressionable, if they saw Justin Beiber sucking dick on TMZ they'd want to suck dick too.

"I can't let that happen." said Duck Dynasty out loud for some reason.

As for the old man, well... the old man was crazy.

"Crazy enough to work." Duck Dynasty said out loud again. "There's no way around it. I have to assemble the team."

Duck Dynasty ran out the door from his mountain enclosure to his sled, and went sledding down the mountain, all the way down to his cabin in the rustic woods. He opened the door to the cabin, hollering-

"Lil' nephews! We got faggots to kill!"

Duck Dynasty's lil nephews turned from their rap videos to look at their Uncle, wide smiles on their young faces under their short, but still full and thick, beards.

"Oh boy Unky Duck, really!" said Huey Dynasty

"I sure do hate faggots, Unky Duck!" said Dewey Dynasty

"They're an abomination, Unky Duck. It says so in Leviticus!" said Louie Duck

"You boys know I usually don't let you come along on my wacky mad cap adventures." said Duck Dynasty "but this time it's different. It won't be easy, and we're going to San Francisco."

The lil nephews shuddered in horror, all three of them.

"If you're hurt, injured, bleeding out in any way, we have to commend you to the Kingdom of God. You can't get a blood transfusion is San Fransisco, no matter what, not after what happened to your father."

"We know, Unky Duck." said Huey Dynasty

"We understand the risk, Unky Duck." said Dewey Dynasty.

"We must carry out the Lord's will, Unky Duck." said Louie Dynasty

"You're good kids." said Duck Dynasty. "Let's go!"

They ran outside the rustic cabin in the footholds of the mountain, heading for the reverse sled.

"Wait a minute!" said Duck Dynasty "Where's Uncle Quackers?"

"Oooooh here I is!" said Uncle Quakers, calling out from the top of a tall tree.

"Uncle Quakers get down from there!" hollered Duck Dynasty.

"Sure thing!" called Uncle Quackers "Oooooh shucky ducky quack quack!"

Uncle Quakers, covered head to toe in feathers leapt from the tree, flapping frantically, falling with a splash into the marshy pond below.

"Uncle Quakers!" Duck Dynasty said, shaking his head. Uncle Quakers fought bravely for the USA in Nam, unlike Bill Clinton. He'd seem some shit, and he'd had some pretty serious head injuries. Ever since, he hadn't been quite right. He thinks he's a duck, and he ends every sentence with that same catchphrase.

"Ooooh shucky ducky quack quack!" said Uncle Quackers, emerging from the pond.

"Uncle Quackerz, pull yourself together!" said Duck Dynast "You're coming with me and the boys. Your country needs you again. Your family needs you too."

"What fer?" asked Uncle Quackers "Oooooh shucky ducky quack quack!"

"We have to kill some faggots. Faggots, queers, dykes, and maybe a few a dem transgendereds, by the hundreds if not thousands. They're an abomination to the Lord's will and are threatening the American way of life. We've been called to this holy and righteous task by the President, the Pope, and the Pope. We shall do what must be done." said Duck Dynasty, his eyes welling up with manly tears of joy.

"That's ridiculous!" said Uncle Quakers "Why would we kill people just for being gay? You say it's against the Lord's will, but if that were true why would God keep making gay people? They can't help if they're born that way, and even if it was a choice it's a choice between two consenting adults that doesn't effect you or your life in anyway. Why condemn it? Because of some four thousand year old book? Yeah, Leviticus condemns homosexuality, it also condemns wearing a poly-cotton blend. You shouldn't get your morality from some so-called higher power, but your own innate sense of right and wrong. After all, what makes more sense? That we were created by some all knowing being who sent down a list of self-contradicting rules presented in the form of silly parables we're all supposed to follow, or that a pre-scientific society was trying to figure all this shit out and enforce their own authority along the way. No thank you, Duck Dynasty. You're my nephew and I love you but I want no part of this foolish crusade. Ooooh shucky ducky quak quack!"

Uncle Quackers words brought more tears to Duck Dynasty's eyes.

"Wow." Duck Dynasty said "I guess I never realized it before, but you really are batshit crazy."

"Ooooh shucky ducky quack quack!"

"Well I need your help anyway." said Duck Dynasty "So they're not gay, they're gooks disguised as faggots."

"Well in that case those motherfuckers should burn in hell!" said Uncle Quackers "Oooooh shucky ducky quack quack!"

Duck Dynasty looked with pride at his family, not a gay pride, but a man's pride. He holstered his twin Desert Eagles and they all took the reverse sled to the top of the mountain.

There was the DuckJet. It would lead them into the heart of a modern day Sodom and Gomorrah, to carry out the Lord's righteous fury, and kill an AIDSload of goddamn butt fucking faggots.

THE END


End file.
